Once upon a time, the Freebologists that we keep hidden in our secret Covid-Compliant Commando Cave invented a material that makes every dude look fit, ripped dudes look fitter, and passers-by look about a foot below your eyes.

In your normal size, this amazing tank drapes naturally on a real guy’s body and cloaks every lump, bump and shadow that make many of us Non-Tank People – subsequently clearing out and making a whole new “tank section” in that closet. And if you’re one of those guys with a chest and gun show selling tickets, order a size down and hire crowd control…

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